Reklame Scriopt
The News of this Millenium
Jesse Eisenburg has a brother named Jesse. Wikipedia disagrees.
Sumner "Sum" Wykoff, the chief editor, sat down, told Jesse and conducted the rest of the interview. "Sum Wykoff, you're right. I do need this. Do you know how many times I've been turned down job interviews or have been accused of having a fake ID, just because they don't believe my name is Jesse Eisenburg? My life is pain. I took 2 grams of ibuprofen last night. I'm still here because I'm a joke and apparently a pretty damn good one since god thinks it's so funny to keep me around." Sum Wykoff replies: "I thought you said that Eisenburgs weren't depressing, despite what people think. By trying to kill yourself, aren't you ibu-proven their point?" Jesse stares blankly at Sum. Sum repeats himself: "Ibu-proven their point." A single tear drips down Jesse's cheek. We felt really bad for making Jesse cry so we told him that we were going to put him in a film to help him differenciate from Jesse Eisenburg.
Jesse's reaction could have warmed old Ebenezer's heart and pervented him from seeing four ghosts. A recent study suggests that people who claim to see ghosts don't live as long or as prosperous as people who don't. Could have saved his damn life. Good going, Jesse. Jesse was offered a role to star in a modern retelling of Song of the South and he'll be costarring with Michael Cera. The film will be advertised as the first time that Jesse Eisenburg and Michael Cera are in a movie together. As long as Jesse signs all of the legal documents, giving his name to the studio and there's no controversy surrounding the project, it is bound to be an instant classic, make plenty of money at the box office and kickstart Jesse Eisenburgs career.
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Today, on Friday, February 13th 2015, we sat down with Jesse Eisenburg but not the Jesse Eisenburg from such classics as: Zombieland, the Social Network, Now you See Me and the soon to be released, American Ultra. American Ultra is a film about a stoner who was unaware that he was trained by the CIA. He'll discover his abilities after he is marked as a liability and targeted for extermination. Make sure catch this new film in Auguest.
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Jesse Eisenburg has some very strong opinions on his brother, Jesse Eisenburg. He stated: "Dont call her[him] that. I AM Jesse Eisenburg. I'm really getting sick of everyone denying my existance and it's enitrely because Hallie stole my name when she decided to become a man. Her and her 'wa wa' schtick really pisses me off. It's water. WA-TER!" We here at Reklame Script were confused. When we think of Hallie Eisenburg, the Mirracle Worker isn't the first one we thought of. We took a vote between ourselves and decided that her most iconic role was Bicentenial Man(1999); Beautiful (2000). There was also confusion afterwards, when someone asked if his roles as a man count. We brought this new information to Jesse and he replied: "I don't care. Wait. Is that why we took a break from the interview? You guys were in there for over 20 minutes. Even during my interview, people care more about her[him] than they do me. She[He] brings shame to the name Eisenburg. We are not all neurotic and depressing. I think this interview is over." At first we felt bad for Jesse but then we started talking and realized: this our website and the internet doesn't even acknowledge this dude's existance. He needs this more than we do.